Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I am the god of hellfire and I bring you.... fire

PS the title is totally a song.

PK4A

Today's awesome thing is also the first step towards becoming a super hero or, for those so inclined, super villain. Have you ever dreamed of shooting fireballs!?! from your hands/head/crotch? With a little ingenuity, it's now possible!



Thanks to the Pyrokinesis for Alex project, now you too can live out your dream as the Human Torch, Pyro, or some other flame related persona. It's highly recommended you come up with a catchy fire based pun name. Something witty.

I'm awesome, now what?

Once you get your amazing fire based powers through the miracle of technology, now what? The easiest answer is vigilantism, though you'll probably very quickly run afoul of the law. It's very hard (I imagine, I of course have no personal knowledge of gleefully setting criminals on fire) to subdue people purely with propane fueled explosions without causing hospital worthy injuries. To that end you'll probably want to master four or twelve types of martial arts as well, but if you're considering vigilantism you probably already have that down because it's par for the course.

...but seriously, how did The Human Torch avoid billions of dollars of lawsuits every day? It's not like he had a secret identity or anything, he just went around a major city blowing shit up and causing fires.

No man, I want to live the life of crime!

World domination is pretty standard for super villains, but this probably isn't the route for you... PK4A, while being insanely radical, does nothing to protect you from irate CIA or MI6 agents who swoop in to, you know, preserve the world order, oppose tyranny, and champion freedom.
Bank robbing is also right out, because if there's one thing fat wads of cash don't like, it's uncontrolled explosions and fire.
No, the best answer is far simpler. Borrowing from Fahrenheit 451 fame, you can become.... The Fireman. Disillusioned with modern education, you go from library to library burning books. You can even get some sort of insurance kickback thing going on with the mafia or city council or something... or better yet, the fire marshal. It's a win win - they're sure to get more funding with some sort of Super Arsonist running around, and there's bound to be money there for you.
If that doesn't work for you there's always the Batman inspired Firefly.
Of course, then you have to invent a jetback, and he was a pretty lame villain, but you have to start somewhere! Maybe just outfit your henchmen this way, and the real super persona will come later.

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