Great Ass BBQ in a Lame Ass Apartment

So, you live in a shitty apartment that either doesn't allow grills, or restricts you to propane only... which is basically not having a grill at all, amirite, purists? But, being the cultured and swag-a-licious individual you are, you invited everyone over for a BBQ anyway. Now, you have problems! Where is everyone going to stand? What is everyone going to do? And where are you going to come up with BBQ'd food using just your stove and microwave?!

Corn on the Mutha Effin' Cob

Oh shit, you can't BBQ without corn! Nah dawg, this one's super easy. Take your corn, lube that shit up with butter (husk it first you dirty animal), give it a light but even dusting of salt, pepper, and cayenne (no seriously) and wrap that shit in foil. Throw them bitches in your 400* oven (Fahrenheit not Celsius, obvi) and wait ten minutes. BAM.

Mac 'n Bootylicious Cheese

This one's super easy too. Cook some macaroni noodles. You know how. With me? Good. Take a saute pan, turn that shit on medium-high heat. Throw some heavy cream in there - that'll serve as the bulk of your sauce without wasting super expensive cheese for these neighborhood dicks you don't really like anyway. With me so far? Add the noodles. Add cheese! Cheddar, Parm, Jack, Bleu, it don't matter. Stir that shit until it's all melted and the noodles are evenly coated to the consistency you want. Throw in some bread crumbs, stir some more. Add some basil, oregano... or just a bunch of Italian seasoning. Top that shit with sliced up green onion, and WHOOSH. DELICIOUS, BITCHES.

Potato Sal - No, you're tired of side dishes. MEAT. SAUSAGE LINKS!

Shit man, this is easy too. Whoever said being a chef was hard? Some jerk, that's who.

Step one: Buy sausage.

Step two: If it's raw, poach that shit. This means taking a pot of water and heating it up... the super easy way is boil that shit, reduce it to a simmer, and then reduce the heat just a little more. Throw your sausage in! This will cook it enough that the skins don't explode when you cook them for realsies.

Step three: Throw them bitches in a saute pan on high heat. Cook the shit out of one side - you actually want a THIN line of char. This helps people think you BBQ'd it. Rotate them bitches, repeat.

RIBS!

Buy some ribs. A big ol' awesome rack. With me so far? Now, it is super important you season these bitches - you can look up dry rubs all day and have some bomb ass food, if you had time for that you wouldn't be reading this, would you? So, when you buy the ribs, buy a jar of dry rub. Use that entire thing on your monster rack of ribs. Rub it in real good. Awwww yeaaaah. Wrap it in foil, and throw it in your 350* oven for, ideally, hours. Like an hour in, flip them shit over and check them. Resist the temptation to eat them all now - if you let it keep going, it'll be so tender the bones just slide out.

Now What?

Get a good selection of BBQ sauces - not everybody likes the same thing, or the same amounts. Make sure not only the flavour profiles are all different, but that they're actually different kinds - you want a couple ketchup based and a couple vinegar based, for example. Invite those friends over, and let them eat your hundreds of dollars of food. Mmm!