Oh shit I'm hungry and all I have at home is shit, how do I make it awesome?

So no shit, there you are - 2am and all you have at home is... crap. You're fresh out of mac and cheese and frozen pizzas, all that's left is stupid veggies and other unmade shite. WOE!

Time to make it dank. First up! No matter what, you want to saute some onions and garlic in some oil. This builds up the aroma of the dish, and makes everything else better. If you have some carrots and celery, chop that shit up and throw it in there too - depth of flavour! You can really do this with any veggies you have laying around. Except tomatoes, because we're making red sauce. Wait, what? 

If you have those premade cans of tomato sauce, or even just cans of diced tomato, this is where you throw it in. Remember all that shit we just sauted? That was to add flavour to the otherwise bland red goop. If you don't have any canned/jarred tomatoes, you can totally use the real thing, but then people might be all: "Whoah, you're like an Itallian Chef!" We've all seen enough mob movies to want to avoid that.

So, you throw in your diced tomatoes. Now, taste that shit - chances are it's super acidic, so kick it up a notch with some sugar. Then, because you're not some caveman, add salt, pepper, and Italian seasoning until it tastes like something worth eating. Yeah boy.

In another pan, add some oil and heat that shit up. Now, you just have to find some meat. Bacon is always rad, sausage works. If you're some kind of king and just happen to have lamb shoulder or steak loafing around, cube that shit up and use it! We're gunna saute the shit out of that. Remember to add salt and pepper! You want the meat flavourful, not just warm. When it's done, scoop the meat into your sauce and let that shit cook more. Awwwwww yeah.

Now, what are you going to put this on? Noodles, duh. Here's a big secret - you don't have to make the pasta yourself, you can get like 100 pounds of it for $5. Or something. Cook that shit - directions are on the box. Then? Pour the noodles into the sauce (#backwards) and stir it all around. Pour it in a bowl, and if you're trying to impress some fine ass ladies, sprinkle some parsley on that bitch as a garnish. (The food, not the lady. Or both. Whatever.)

Boom! You just made a delicious original meal out of random shit in the cupboard. You're officially a dope ass bad mamma jamma, now.